American Schools, Korean Schools

Perhaps you've figured it out by now. Korean schools are very different from American schools. Now, granted, I don't teach at a regular school. I teach at an after-school school, a hagwon (academy), whose sole purpose is to teach the kids extra things so they can be better in school than their peers. So, for example, we can't punish our students. Our students are customers, which means giving them detention or extra work is out of the question.

But we do have our ways.

In an American school, threatening to call a kid's parents doesn't do too much. Half the time, the kid is misbehaving because his parents don't care. Not so in a Korean school. It's actually my nuclear deterrent of classroom management. If a kid is acting out, throwing things, attacking classmates, or just won't shut up, all I have do is say, "Do you want me to call your mother?", and a beautiful, fear-filled silence permeates the room.

Perhaps you've heard stories about Asian mothers. They are true. I had a student whose mother kicked her out of the car and told her to walk home because she didn't get a good enough score on her vocab quiz. If little Johnny acts out in class, the staff calls his mom right away, so when he gets home, he can expect an extreme scolding followed by the revocation of cell phone and computer privileges. There are, of course, still some parents who don't care, and whose kids act out in class because they just want some attention, but they're thankfully rare.

In an American school, grades aren't the only things that matter. In a Korean school, GRADES ARE YOUR LIFE. When I see my students after the weekend, I always ask them if they did anything fun. About half of them tell me that their weekends were the worst ever because all they did was study. I actually worry that my students study too much. Whenever I tell them about my relatively care-free childhood spent playing outside or eating snacks in front of the TV, I hear a chorus of, "Teacher, noooooo! Not fair!" I see kids cry at the drop of a hat or fight over the stupidest things. I had a pair of students get in a fist fight the other day because they were both claiming ownership over an eraser.

In an American school, it is never okay to joke about violence. In a Korean school, it's very okay. Allow me to demonstrate with some things my students say.

"Teacher, I will destroy Chungdham! I will burn it down!"
"I will bomb it!"
"I will buy lots of C4 and fill up the closets with it and BOOOOOM!"
"I will get a rocket launcher and shoot it over and over again! KABOOOOOOM!!!"
"I will get lots of money and then buy Chungdahm and then close it forever!" (such a smart kid.)
"I will drop a nuclear bomb on it!"

Here's a student burning down the school with me inside.

You get the idea. A normal CTP presentation isn't complete without someone (a boy) punching someone else (another boy) or at least talking about doing so. During break, the hallways are packed with kids wrestling each other, and there's usually at least one utterance of "I will kill you!", or, my favorite, "Do you want to die???" I don't even remember why, but one kid drew me a picture of an accurately sized pink gun and gave it to me as a present.

Nothing says I love you quite like a large, pink gun.

For Americans, this is quite alarming. Perhaps some of you are reading this and wondering how I can permit such behavior or how kids can act and talk this way without there being any negative consequences. Korea is a fortunate country. They've never had school shootings. Jokes about violence are just that. They're jokes. Plus, these kids are very innocent. They don't know about the horrible things that happen in the world. They can pretend to shoot each other, and for them it will always be pretend. And I think that's great. I say, let them be kids!

Things My Students Draw (part whatever)

Oh man, you guys. It's good to be back. Back from what, you ask? Intensives, that's what. For the last four weeks, I've been getting up way too early (7 am, like normal working people!) so that I can teach a three hour novel class. It was actually really fun. The kids were smart, the book (The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm) was good, and, when class was all over, the school fed me some pretty delicious Korean food. Plus there's all that extra money I've just made. But the downside was a significant decrease in my overall energy and creative output. I have now worked from 9 am to 10 pm, and I can safely say that it sucks and I do not ever want to make a habit of it.


So while it was great to hang out with super smart and energetic kids who insisted on attacking me at every opportunity, it's even better to be back to my old habit of sleeping in until noon and staying out late. I can proudly say that I've regressed back to college hours.

But enough with the boring details of my life! Let's get to the main attraction, the artwork of some truly inspired Korean children.

Or, in the words of student-drawn cartoon Theresa Teacher, "Rock n' Roll!"

Let's start off with some truly terrible story-telling. For this project, students were supposed to tell the story of a group of people trying to escape North Korea. Unfortunately, these students were a bunch of sadistic middle schoolers.

"Family tried to escape from North Korea. There is father, mother, sister, and brother in family. They escape at night."

Okay, that's pretty normal...

"Family tried to escape, but their mom told to police where are they. Police saw them, so they ran and ran. However, police caught family and shoot gun."

Oh no! Will they live???

Father, son, daughter died from police. Father hurt head, daughter hurt stomach, and son hurt important area.

That was oddly specific. And horrible.

But if that was bad, the next submission was far worse. The story these boys told me went something like this: "North Korea super gay. Kim Jong Eun want all men love him. But these men not want love him, so they want escape to South Korea where they can find girlfriend. But Kim Jong Eun know, so he send guards to shoot men with rainbow guns. So they shoot them and they die. The end." Here's a picture of evil gay dictator, Kim Jong Eun.

Fashionista!

 Middle school boys are terrible.

A few weeks ago, we had a class on food taboos in various cultures. We talked about how Hindus don't eat beef, how Muslims and Jews don't eat pork (shock from all students that anyone could find pork undesirable), and how Europeans and Americans don't eat dog. This was the day when I discovered just how many of my students love the taste of dog.
Anyway, for the presentation at the end of class, the students were asked to pick a strange food and talk about why or why not people eat it and decide if they themselves would eat it. One student took this as his golden opportunity to do what every student has dreamed of doing.

So now there's a picture of poop hanging on my classroom wall.

Another project asked for students to draw a picture of their emotions. My favorite one is below. It's actually pretty deep.

"This drawing is teach us don't rely on money. Money isn't the best. And the blue box is the things that are really important. And money could turn and kill you."

Like, literally. A giant 100 million dollar bill will come out of the sky and kill you. And giant, flaming quarters will rain from the sky to destroy your civilization.

Speaking of the end of the world, I'm pretty sure something crazy happened and created some mutant babies.

Professor Baby!

Mutant Super Baby!

Cat Caby!

 And the one baby to rule them all...

Gangster Pimp Baby!

Gangster Pimp Baby may be the greatest thing to have ever come out of my classes. Gangster Pimp Baby (also known as GPB), likes to drink, smoke, gamble, and shoot guns. He has lots of tattoos, and in order to legally look at him, you have to be over the age of 19. He also has lots of women.

Finally, I leave you with a poem that one of my students wrote:

Father
And
Mother say
I am always
Looking at
You
 
Beautiful. Go now, with the blessings of GPB.

It's a Korean Christmas Miracle!

Well, it's been awhile (again). And since it's been such a very long time, I think I shall tell you about my Christmas.

This was my first Christmas away from home. All years before this were spent at my ancestral home in Virginia. Every Christmas, our family went to midnight Liturgy at our Melkite Greek Catholic church, where everything is beautiful. If you've never been to a Melkite service you need to go. It's an hour or so of culture shock and you come out of it full of confusion and joy, smelling of incense. I've never gone anywhere else, nor have I ever had the inclination to do so. Therefore, this year was to be my very first year not only away from home, but also attending Christmas services at a Roman Catholic church. It was a sort of double feature cultural experience. Knowing that I had to do it right, I decided to go to the Vigil Mass at Myeongdong Cathedral. I'd say I made the right choice. Despite jumping in a cab immediately after work and arriving an hour and a half before Mass, I was still unable to get into the cathedral. It was packed to the brim, and I had to be happy with the overflow room in the church hall. They set up a projector and speakers, and seated everyone on little plastic stools because they'd also run out of chairs. I can't complain, though. The overflow room filled up soon after I arrived, and the overflow for the overflow was outside the church in the cold. (But next to the nativity scene, so there's always that!)

The nativity!

Before Mass, the choir gave a splendid concert, and this was the time when I most wished I could have made it inside the church proper. The choir is a top-notch group and the church has excellent acoustics, neither of which came across properly over the speakers. But I digress. Mass was wonderful, and it lived up to all of my expectations. The bishop came, the music was perfect (full baroque orchestra!!!!), and the Mass was done respectfully and thoroughly. Mass at the cathedral is always right and just. Of course, I couldn't understand a word of what was said, but through the magic of smartphones, I at least had a translation of the readings. I think what I enjoy most about Korean Catholicism is everyone's willingness to participate. There weren't enough hymnals to go around, and yet everyone knew the hymns and, as Fr. Rocca would put it, sang with full heart and voice. Plus, everyone went to communion no one went home early, even though Mass was two hours long and the room was freezing because Koreans don't believe in paying for heat.

When Mass was over, I left the building to discover that it was snowing, the grotto to Mary was alight with candles, and from the top of the hill I could see the light of Seoul twinkling all around. I even managed to make it inside the cathedral to hear the postlude (Bach, of course). It was a wonderful Christmas. I will not deny that I danced all the way home while listening to Handel's Messiah.

I finally got a picture of the interior! Note the sweet mosaics of the apostles behind the altar.

The choir, baroque orchestra, and sweet organ. Check out all the Koreans taking pictures.

Mary is the best!!!!!

The cathedral from behind.

The next day, I slept in late, had a full American breakfast (including bacon!), skyped with my family, unwrapped presents, and spent the rest of my time watching Adventure Time, drinking wine, and cooking with as much dairy as possible. So in case you were wondering, I had a fantastic Christmas in Seoul.