Infant Birthday Parties and Shopping with Korean Parents

The other day, I learned the hard way that when Park's father asks you if you want to do something, your answer should always be no. This is not because Park's father is an unpleasant man. As a matter of fact, he's an incredibly nice man who has gone out of his way to make me feel welcome. On numerous occasions, he's taken me out to eat or even just picked me up in his cab (his latest hobby is driving a cab). In fact, I can't really describe the problem. Instead, I'll just tell you what happened. First, though, I'm going to tell you about my first experience at the Korean equivalent to a baby shower.

One of MyungSoo's friends recently had a baby. When a baby turns one year old it's traditional to have a party. Now, silly Westerner that I am, I thought this party was going to be a small get together at someone's house. Maybe there would be food, a few drinks, and people would pass the baby back and forth and admire how cute she is while chit-chatting about small baby things like diapers and breastfeeding. Silly me. The first birthday is a big deal. That means renting a room at a "birthday hall" with catered food, alcohol, an MC, music, and fancy disco lights. It also means traditional hanboks for the family and a table covered in traditional foods such as rice cakes and fresh fruit. There are all sorts of events to introduce the baby and the family, but the most important event comes last. The baby is presented with a platter full of toys. These toys represent things in the baby's future (usually job). Whichever toy the baby chooses will determine what that child will do when he or she grows up. Popular toys include a stethoscope (doctor), a mallet (lawyer), a pencil (good student), a ball of yarn (long life), as well as many others. MyungSoo says some parents also include a computer mouse in hopes that their child will become a pro gamer. This particular baby chose the ball of yarn. A good choice, I'd say. Anyway, it was a really cool experience. I got to eat tons of delicious food (Did you know that you can eat raw crab? It has a very fulfilling flavor.), and meet more of MyungSoo's friends.

We shall honor this baby with FOOD.

Anyway, it was after we returned to Seoul from the baby party, that we met Mr. Park. We were very tired. We were considering going to the sauna to bathe, sleep, eat, and drink. But we made the fatal mistake of deciding to stop by MyungSoo's house first. Mr. Park was there with MyungSoo's younger brother, KwangSoo, cleaning out the trunk of his cab. Somehow, a giant tub of spicy chili paste had burst open during transit and smeared its contents all over everything. It looked a lot like congealed blood and smelled a lot like your favorite spicy Korean food. It had a tendency to stick to everything and suddenly appear on your clothing if you let your guard down at all. When the last vestiges of gore had been removed from the trunk, Mr. Park decided (on a whim) that it would be totally awesome if we all went shopping together. Eagerly, he asked me. Not knowing my danger, I accepted. I thought it would be a simple trip. Maybe an hour at the most. Surely, not more that two hours. How very wrong I was.

Mr. Park decided that this needed to be a family outing. Mrs. Kim, his wife (In Korea, the women keep their name after marrying), was at work, so this was going to be a man's trip. KwangSoo and MyungSoo reluctantly smoked their last cigarettes. MinSoo said goodbye to his friends and signed out of his League of Legends account. We piled into the car. Then we drove less than a mile and got out again. Mr. Park had decided that the car needed to have its oil changed, and it needed to have it changed now. One of his many friends is a mechanic, so he took the car to his friend. Then, instead of waiting, he hopped in his friend's car, a giant, clunking van, and we drove off. Maybe it would have made more sense if I spoke Korean. However, to me, it seemed like a real life Grant Theft Auto.

We finally made it to the mall. Then we wandered...we wandered for hours. I'm certain we resembled the mafia. Imagine, if you will, Mr. Park in the front, wearing slacks and a button-down, older, kindly-looking, yet tough, picking up items, examining them, putting them back, perhaps remarking on the price. Flanking him, two burly young men, one of them short, muscular and tan, just fresh out of his army service, the other still in middle school but already almost taller than his brother, slightly chubby but certainly strong. They pass remarks back and forth, commenting on the price of fresh produce, but you're certain they're really discussing who to off next. Taking up the rear, the tallest of them all, a skinny, yet muscular young man, hardened from years of hard labor as the middle child. And behind this quadruple threat, a strange foreign girl, clearly confused and lost.

After three hours of shopping, the boys finally rebelled and told their father that they needed to go home. Our final purchases were as follows: two pink and green pillowcases, an ironing board, a block of cheese. That is it.This event also led KwangSoo to remark that if he ever got a girlfriend, he would never introduce her to his father. But I guess it could be worse. One of MyungSoo's exes was coerced into spending an entire day planting rice at the family farm.

The next day, I was at MyungSoo's house again and had the opportunity to run into his mother on her way to the store. She instantly enlisted her son to carry things (that's what sons are for, obviously). We were in and out in twenty minutes with a full week's worth of food. Boom. Moms are awesome.

How to Summer

Hello everyone, and welcome to the next exciting, action-packed episode of Tarico Goes to Korea! On today's episode we will discuss the many strange and exciting things you can do, should you ever decide to venture out into the crushing heat of a Korean summer.

Let's start it nice and simple with the Korean summer favorite, 팥빙수! (pronounced patbingsoo, or you can also say shaved ice flakes with sweet red bean and you'll still get the idea across.) At first, I was confused by the idea of eating ice flakes covered in fruit and beans. After all, why not just eat ice cream? However, the advantage of ice flakes is that you can eat as much as you want' and at no point will you feel like a giant, sticky hippo lumbering down the street on a humid day (Is that just me? Am I the only person who feels that way after too much ice cream? Is there such a thing as too much ice cream?). It's pretty delicious too, and every coffee shop and restaurant will have its own version. There's even one you can buy at the convenience store. Just add milk and enjoy!

I don't know who I am anymore.

Now that you've had your daily dose of sugar, it's time to go hide inside and not come out until long after the sun has gone down. Seriously. Ugh. Don't go outside unless it's raining. (Fortunately, it's also monsoon season, so there's been a lot of rain.) Anyway, once the sun has gone down, my favorite thing to do is to head to the banks of the Han River. While many cities' riverbanks are terrible places at night, the Han River is in fact an excellent place at night. The lights reflect on the water, the cicadas sing, and most of the human traffic are couples or old people out for their nighttime exercise. Park and I went there a few weeks ago to set off fireworks. It's amazing how deregulation makes everything so much more fun. We set off explosions, then enjoyed several beers, some makeoli, and a bucket of fried chicken. On the way home, I sprained my ankle, and Park carried me home (in the rain, of course, for added dramatic effect). All in a night's work.

But let's say the paltry distractions of summer are not enough for you, you adventuring soul! You want to escape the seething metropolis of Seoul! Well, first of all, good luck. Unfortunately for you, escaping a city with a population of over 10 million is actually very difficult. I know this because a few weeks ago, Park and I and another couple decided to take an overnight trip into the countryside. It was actually a great trip and I shall tell more later, but it actually turns out that traffic is a terrible beast, not to be underestimated. Even though our destination was only about 30 miles outside of Seoul, it took about three hours to get there. The entire drive was one long line of cars. However, I can't knock the entrepreneurial spirit of Korea. The side of the road was packed with enterprising adjummas and adjusshis who had set up stalls full of food, drinks, and (yes) even alcohol to sell to weary travelers.

"What's that? You want to drive in this lane? Not unless you buy my rice cakes."

Anyway, once we arrived at our destination, all was well once more. Which brings me to my favorite part about vacationing in Korea. Instead of staying in a smelly, possibly flea-infested hotel room, Koreans prefer what they called a "pension house". Basically, you rent a house for the weekend. Depending on what you want, you get a bed/bedding to sleep on the floor, a full kitchen, a patio, and the freedom to do whatever you want in your house because (after all) it is your house. There's no creepy room service kicking you out in the morning (just an adjusshi and his buddies in the office down the road, who smoke, play poker, and sneakily try to sell you things). We spent the day hiking and swimming, and spent the evening eating Korean BBQ and kimchi soup and drinking. That was also the night I discovered that cheap wine becomes less terrible when you mix it with soju. That last sentence is probably a crime. I apologize.

Of course, you can use pension houses on a large scale, too. My choir went on a trip to the West Sea, and we ended up with about thirty people staying in a three-room house much smaller than the average American home. However, it worked really well! The tables were small and portable, the bedding was a bunch of mats that fold up into the closet at the end of the night, and the kitchen combined with the outdoor grill was large enough to fulfill all food needs. I discovered that night that Koreans really really really love eating. Like, the food didn't stop coming. As soon as one dish was finished, there was another one already on its way: pork, then beef, then shrimp, then ramen, then dumplings, then back to pork, then rice cakes, then ramen mixed with dumplings and rice cake, then chips...all of this served up with a healthy dose of kimchi and many heavy doses of alcohol (Actually, the main point of the food, I think, is to accompany the alcohol.). We also had a pool and our own private yard. I'd say the best thing about a pension house is the feeling of being at home in a house that isn't yours. It really makes vacationing a lot more fun.

Being a complete stranger to Korea (and also not knowing the language) means that most things are a complete surprise for me. When our choir went on our trip, I mostly had no idea what to expect. For example, I had no idea that we'd end up at a bunch of beautiful Buddhist temples.

Surprise! Feel the beauty of nature!

 I also had no idea about the West Sea. The West Sea, it turns out, has an extremely low tide. It is so low, in fact, that the sea completely vanishes, leaving behind over a mile of mud. During the day, people can go out into the sea and collect the fish or shellfish left behind in the mud. The night, however, is a different story. The island we visited is in close proximity to North Korea. Because of this, there are lookout posts stationed all along the sea. Low tide is considered especially dangerous, as an enterprising (probably foolhardy) individual could go for a walk in one part of the peninsula and end up in another. Well, little old me had no idea about the lookout posts or even about how creepy low tide looks at night. To me, it looked like a completely alien landscape that absolutely HAD to be explored. I removed my shoes and went squelching through the mud. A few seconds later, I was in the center of a searchlight, angry Korean voices yelling at me, (probably) telling me I was a dumbass and I needed to return to shore immediately or risk being shot. My friend later informed me that the soldiers have orders to shoot anyone they see walking around at low tide.

New planet to explore or deathtrap of mud and bullets? You decide!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I almost became dead at the hands of the Korean coast guard. (Or not. My friend said they all ignore their orders to shoot because, ya know, there are a lot of dumbass civilians around.)

Choir ladies.

I just wanted to include these pictures so people know I have friends and we do cool things.