Here in Seoul, you have to learn to fend for yourself. Each day is a fight for survival. And so, I have aptly titled this post "Survival". Prepare to learn how to live. While reading, I suggest that you listen to this song, which is also called "Survival", but is really about man's great struggle against dynamics that fall below mezzo piano. Imagine me listening to this while dodging cars and motorcycles. More on that later.
First, there's food. Since the dawn of time, man has been driven by the desire to fill his stomach with delicious food. That desire continues to this day. Namely, it continues with me. Now, let me be clear that finding food in Seoul is not hard. In fact, finding delicious food is incredibly easy because everything here is delicious. Even if you don't feel like walking the twenty or so steps it takes to get to the nearest kimbap/doppoki/fried food vendor, you can always have food delivered because everything, even McDonald's, delivers. But then there comes the day when you realize that there's an emptiness inside of you, an emptiness that can only be filled with a home-cooked, American meal. Then it's time to draw upon the instincts of your ancestors and embrace the hunter-gatherer within you.
Recently, I made beef stew. Or rather, I think it was beef. It was probably pork. Then another day, I had a craving for a nice meat and tomato pasta sauce. Since Ragu is for peasants, I decided I was going to make it from scratch. I am not exaggerating when I say it took me almost two weeks to find all of the ingredients.
I had to kill a few people.
Do you see that cheese? Cheese is like gold over here. Some stores sell it in security packaging so you can't steal it. That wine? It was a gift from my company. Except I had already enjoyed my allotted portion of wine and had to buy a coworker's bottle. I could have gone to the store to buy wine, but then I would have had to suffer the embarrassment of spending 30 dollars on a bottle of Barefoot. The ground beef was the hardest. I obsessively visited local grocery stores until I found one tiny package buried at the bottom of a freezer.
Now that your stomach is filled once more, it's time to venture outside and behold the wonders that the world has to offer. Just be careful that no one kills you. I don't mean the kind of killing that involves edged weapons and laughter, by the way. Those sorts of things don't happen in Korea. I mean cars. I mean motorcycles. I mean that you need to learn to dodge them, or, even better, learn how to stare them into submission.
If traffic laws exist, I have never seen them enforced. In fact, the only time I've seen police dealing with traffic is when they set traps for drunk people. Other than that, they're usually causing traffic. The other day, I was late to work because the police had set up a barricade in Gangnam, surrounding a group that was protesting Samsung. It wouldn't have been that bad except that the number of police was triple that of the protesters, and all of the polices buses had blocked the real buses. A few days ago, a street vendor's truck got in the way of the bus I was riding. The bus driver stopped the bus in the middle of a busy intersection, and, ignoring all other traffic, jumped out of the bus and began cursing at the vendor. We sat there for about five minutes, during which time the intersection remained completely blocked. Even though this was in Itaewon, an area with a higher than average crime rate and thus a higher than average police presence, not a single cop showed up to do anything. In the end, the vendor's friends showed up, and the driver had to get back inside his bus and drive away.
Another problem is that many Korean streets do not have sidewalks or any sort of marking. Cars go up and down at will and park pretty much wherever they feel like. Even if there is a sidewalk, that won't stop motorists from using it as a spare roadway and/or parking space. Delivery guys use sidewalks as a convenient shortcut through traffic. Other guys ride up and down the sidewalks at high speeds, leaving behind a trail of advertisements about lonely, large-breasted women.
Pictured: A superior parking job.
Perhaps you are thinking that my walk to work involves death-defying deeds of daring. You are incorrect. No, my walk to work involves nothing more than a cold stare of defiance. Rather than wait for that jerk in the car to pass, I walk out in front of him, angry music blaring, and I stare him right in the eye as I walk in front of him. I don't speed up, and I don't slow down. I just walk. And I stare. I dare you to hit me, I say with my eyes. I dare you to feel the guilt for the rest of your miserable life. He doesn't stop. But he slows down to let me pass. Then I go to work, where I teach children about English and love and friendship.
The End.
Extra Bonus: Here's a picture of a real-life transformer. It's a truck that transforms into a bar. The side opens up, and they serve people on the sidewalk. Note the disco ball.
Well, it's a new term. And with a new term comes new students with new and increasingly ridiculous things to say. So here we go.
Me: "Hello, I'm your teacher. You can call me Teacher Theresa."
Student: "Mother Theresa?????"
Me: "No, I am not nice enough to be Mother Theresa."
Student: "No, teacher. I think you are nice enough."
Later...
Student: "Teacher, are you married?"
Me: "No."
Student: "Neither was Mother Theresa! Teacher, I think you are Mother Theresa!"
During a listening exercise, we heard a story of a man who had the end of his middle finger cut off. The students were concerned, not for the man, but rather for his new inability to flick people off. When a new medical procedure allowed the man to regrow his finger, the students were relieved.
Me: "So what happened to the man?"
Students: "He grew his finger back!"
Me: "That's right!"
Student: "Now he can...you know, teacher. Use his middle finger..."
Me: "I don't think he would do that. He's a nice, old man."
Student: "No, I think he will. He is a man."
Me: "The Ancient Egyptians used to pay people in beer."
Student: "Just like my father's company!"
Me: "Burns can be really bad. For example, my brother once set himself on fire with gasoline and-"
Student: "TEACHER, YOUR BROTHER DEAD???"
Me: "No, he didn't die-"
Student: "TEACHER, YOUR BROTHER RETARDED????"
Student: "Teacher, I think anorexic people are stupid. Food is delicious."
Me: "For example, if I cut off Justin's arm-"
Students: "TEACHER, WHY YOU WANT TO KILL JUSTIN? TEACHER, YOU SO EVIL!"
Student: "Call me Chocolate Peter."
Other Student: "Call me Street Riding Peter."
Student: "I think crime is good because you can get money and then get girlfriend."
Me: "What happens to your girlfriend when you're caught and you go to jail?"
Student: "I think is okay. She will have my car and be happy."
Well, that's all I have for now. This is almost entirely from my first week of classes. I love these kids. In conclusion, here's a nice picture of Fall in Korea.
And by Fall, I actually mean a few yellow leaves and a truck delivering the daily supply of beer.
Sometimes life gets in the way of regular blog activity. But not tonight. Tonight, I opened a fresh bottle of wine (it was 5,000 won and tastes like acid!) and vowed that I would write something for all the loyal followers that I have no doubt lost due to my long inactivity.
Last week was the great holiday of American Thanksgiving, which ranks high on my list of great holidays because it's all about my two favorite things, food and family. Unfortunately, the family part of the holiday was unreachable, and, in the end, I stopped looking forward to Thanksgiving and most other holidays. But fortunately, I work at a company that really likes to celebrate American holidays. That's why we had an extravagant Halloween party and also why we had a bountiful Thanksgiving dinner/lunch.
It began early in the day on Thursday morning (noon). My boss and I climbed in a taxi and headed over to a street corner in downtown Seoul, where a red-headed man from HR was handing out slightly warm and pleasant-smelling boxes.
This is what Thanksgiving looks like.
Then we headed back to the office with our precious cargo. Inside the boxes were turkeys, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. The Korean staff also ordered us some pizza because no American holiday is complete without pizza, right?
So that was Thanksgiving.
On Saturday, I decided to check out Costco, which is exactly the same as Costco in America except that it's full of Koreans. Still crowded, still located in a giant warehouse, still providing free samples of your favorite junk food, and still selling things in bulk for criminally low prices. In fact, the only difference I could spot involved the food court.
As it turns out, Costco pizza tastes the same, no matter which country you're in.
Actually, differences. First of all, look at that crowd. People were practically fighting over seats. Second...100% PORK hot dogs. Perhaps I've neglected to mention that Korea loves pork. It's by far the cheapest meat available, and I think this is partially due to how farmers feed their pigs. Koreans sort their garbage. The recyclables and such go in one pile, the garbage goes in special bags that are unique to each neighborhood, and the food goes in a big, nasty trash can. The food waste is then processed and fed to the pigs, who, being pigs, don't mind at all being fed food scraps. The end result is that the pigs get their food practically for free, and the cost of pork is drastically reduced. I think it's pretty brilliant. But I also think it's pretty strange for a hot dog to made of 100% pork.
In other news, we started a new term at Chungdahm, meaning that I had to say goodbye to my students, and welcome in some new kids. As it turns out, my reputation precedes me. My 4:00 class on Tuesday was made up almost entirely of boys who had heard from their friends that I was "really cool". One of my former students proudly introduced me to his little brother, while a number of other boys informed me that they knew all about my love of Batman, Star Wars, and Notre Dame football. I knew I'd won their hearts, minds, and eternal respect, though, when I made a Minecraft joke in class. Unfortunately, this class is also going be incredibly wild. The four girls in this class have retreated into full-on siege mode, and probably won't emerge for a few weeks or so. I'm also teaching middle schoolers for the first time. So far, they seem pretty okay. The real trick is getting them to laugh. If you can get them to laugh, you can get them to talk.
I don't work on Wednesdays this term, so every Wednesday will be Adventure Time. Today's adventure involved the cat cafe at Gangnam Station. I think cats can tell that I love them. After only a few minutes, a cat came over and claimed my lap as his own, refusing to move even when the owner offered him food. Oh, and there was also this cat.
Today marks the three month anniversary of my arrival in Korea. I'd say things are going really well. I no longer notice that I look completely different from everyone else. Every time I see another foreigner, I stare at them in wonder before remembering that they're probably doing the same thing to me. I've figured out how to pay my bills (type in some numbers at the bank), order food (point at stuff and say "give me" in Korean), use public transportation, and even buy food. I've become pretty good at cooking for myself and substituting Korean ingredients when the ones I'm used to using can't be found. I've got a good relationship with most of my students, and a few of them have even told me that they don't want to move up to the next level of English if that means I can't be their teacher anymore. This past week, we gave the students a break and let them play and watch movies for the last hour of class. I decided to show my students Star Wars, and they LOVED it. (The best way to tell if your child is normal is to see if they like Star Wars. If they don't, your child probably has been replaced by an unfeeling robot, and you need to seek immediate help.) I've done a fair amount of shopping to supplement my wardrobe and to make up for all the weight I've lost since arrival. Korean fashion is fantastic.
A few weeks ago, one of my good friends from Notre Dame came to visit. Practicing the Korean way of life, most of our time was spent shopping, eating, and drinking. I tell you this so that I may introduce you to one of Korea's delightful little blemishes. There are either no laws governing the consumption of alcohol or Korea just doesn't care. I suspect it is the latter. For example, if you're too cheap or too disinterested in the ambiance of sitting in a bar, you can just stumble on over to your favorite convenience store, purchase your favorite adult beverage, and pop a squat outside that very convenience store to enjoy that very beverage. Or you can sit on the sidewalk. Or on your car. Or in your car. Or in the middle of the road (though I advise you against it.) Or, if sitting isn't your thing, you can just stroll down the street and treat the journey from one 7-eleven to the next like your own personal bar-crawl. When you get tired of walking or sitting, just step inside a noraebang (karaoke room). The more alcohol you order, the more time you have to belt out your favorite rock hits of the 90s. Feeling tired? Go get some coffee. It's 2 AM, so the coffee is extra fresh and business is booming. While you're waiting for your coffee, enjoy a cigarette or two because smokers aren't treated like social pariah in this country. Hungry? Go get something fried from any of the many street vendors. You might not know what it is you're eating, but it will taste delicious. And if you're concerned that you're too drunk right now, don't worry. You aren't. Somewhere, probably somewhere close by, there is a Korean man who is way more drunk than you will ever be in your entire life.
Like this Korean man, for example.
So what I'm saying is, If you're looking for a good time, Korea is the place to be. Life here isn't without its setbacks, but all in all, it's pretty great.
My apologies for my long absence. One of my good friends from college came to visit for a week, and most of my time was spent doing what friends do best. Namely, shopping, seeing the sights, eating, and generally enjoying the many possibilities offered by Seoul night-life. For example, it is perfectly acceptable to drink outside of a convenience store for many hours. As my friend quickly realized, Korea is one of those countries that really doesn't care about a lot of things.
But I digress! I was going to show you some more things my students have drawn. Ah, such talented and sweet children...
Note that it says hitting, but clearing shows stabbing.
Well, that was just the kid who likes to blow up tomatoes. Let's see about some other kids.
Violence!
Perhaps I should explain what's going on here. The prompt for this presentation involved relationship problems. The Canadian, Steve, had just started dating the Korean, Sun-hee. Well, Steve doesn't realize that kissing in public isn't considered appropriate, so he keeps trying to kiss Sun-hee. The students were asked to give advice that would help resolve the situation...
I don't know what this is, but it has something to do with Steve shooting off guns in public and getting arrested. Stupid Steve.
Okay, so Steve is really stupid. Having grown up with someone named Steve, I am well aware of this fact. Let's see what the group came up with for advice.
Man, relationships are so easy!
The lesson to be learned here is simple. Never get relationship advice from your students.
For our next class, we talked about Tibet and China. At first, they didn't care. Then, one of the brighter students brought up China's involvement in the Korean War, and they became a seething mass of fury. Here's a propaganda poster one student made.
Mostly, he was excited that he got to draw a gun.
That brings me to something I've been wanting to talk about for awhile now. Namely, reunification. In America, we call the Koreas "South Korea" and "North Korea". Here, if you call the country South Korea, people look at you funny. It's Korea. That's it. As far as my students are concerned, there is only one Korea. Any map of Korea shows both North and South with no dividing line in between. All of my students want Korea to be unified because they believe it will make their country stronger. I'm really glad that I studied the Cold War during college because even the little bit that I know about Korean history has awed my students. Yay, knowledge!
Sometimes, like right now, I cannot sleep. And then it becomes a great opportunity to keep up with my fans. Fans is what I shall have to call people now because it seems that my blog has acquired over 1000 views. While I imagine that most of these views are poor people who accidentally found their way here through facebook, I still feel a measure of success. Somehow, the material here was interesting enough for it to be viewed more than once.
When we last saw our adventurer, she was aglow with the after-effects of a good old-fashioned K-pop concert. Since then, I have embarked on a number of adventures.
Last Saturday was the International Fireworks Festival in Seoul. I don't know if that's what it was actually called, but the name I have given it is a pretty good description of what happened. Teams from around the world gathered in Seoul to show off their fireworks. Meanwhile, mobs gathered in strategic viewing places all around Seoul. This is how I found myself in a park on an island in the middle of the Han River, eating fried chicken and drinking beer with my coworkers. I should probably mention at this point that Korea sees no problem with public drinking or drunkenness, as evidenced by the vast number of tents at this event that were selling beer for dirt cheap. Meanwhile, the sun slowly set until, at last, the festivities began. The teams from Germany, Italy, and the US were pretty standard. They were loud and they were beautiful, which is really all one asks of one's fireworks shows. But, of course, the Korean team had to show off. So from the very beginning, it was like a continuous finale, complete with geometric patterns and the name PSY written in giant flaming letters. So spectacular was the show that it left me wondering what exactly they were going to do for a finale. Silly me. They, of course, set the bridges on fire. Perhaps I exaggerate. They attached fireworks to the bridges over the Han and then set them all off at once. Was traffic rerouted, you ask? Silly Westerner! Of course it wasn't! Drive onward over the flaming bridge, brave traveler!
In the United States, we would call this a terrorist attack. In Korea, it's national pride.
Two hours later, the show was finally finished. I got up, thinking that I'd just pop on home to enjoy a nice cup of tea and a book. Again, silly Westerner! Did I mention mobs before? Mobs. The crowds leaving the island were like every disaster movie evacuation. Realizing that boarding a train immediately was impossible, I decided to wait a bit until the crowds died down. Surely, I thought optimistically, half an hour shall be enough time! How very wrong I was. There was a line to get into the subway, then there was a mob scene on the platform as hundreds of people tried to shove their way onto already crowded trains. I took a few pictures because there was nothing else to do.
I look at this and think of zombie hoards.
Good luck leaving any time within the next two hours.
The air here has the distinct flavor of kimchi.
Three hours later, I finally made it home. In summary, I can say that the fireworks were great, but if I ever see them again, it will be from a different location. Perhaps a location that isn't on an island.
I work every day of the week. Most of my coworkers have off one day out of every week, and I usually gaze longingly on their free Fridays or Wednesdays. But yesterday I realized that I am in fact the fortunate one. For you see, I leave work early on Thursday. And it is because of this beautiful blessing that I was able to attend the once-in-a-lifetime Psy concert in downtown Seoul. (extra bonus: it was free!)
Hopefully, we've all heard of Psy by now. And although I discovered this morning that neither of my brothers have ever heard of Psy, I hope they're the only ones who live under rocks.
I left work promptly at 7 and arrived at Seoul Plaza in front of City Hall around 7:45. Even though I was over two hours early, this was not enough time to be within sight of anything on the stage, and as it was, I had a hard time seeing the screens. Meanwhile, the crowd pressed so close that I nearly got crushed a few times. Two old drunk guys got in a fight behind me, and had to be lifted up and pushed over the fence because there was no room for them to just walk out of the crowd. While struggling to stay afloat, I came across a family of Spaniards who had somehow wandered in by accident and had no idea what was going on. Spotting a non-Korean at last, the dad asked me in broken English about what was happening. Once they realized that the concert wasn't for another two hours, they left in disappointment. They missed out.
The crowd settled down eventually, and I was able to work my way further inward, although I was still too far away to see much. In fact, the only time I caught a glimpse of Psy was when, halfway through the concert, he got on top of a giant platform that lifted him high into the air.
This is the only picture I took that doesn't suck. The screens tell me that Psy was somewhere up there.
Psy is a hell of a performer. He sings, he dances, he moves everywhere, and he thanks everyone. There were disco lights, backup dancers, fireworks, explosions, and lots of glitter. Though I didn't understand a single word of what was said, I understood the feeling. This wasn't just another show. This was special. This was a guy coming home from wild success abroad to find an audience of 80,000, all of whom know every single word to every one of his songs, dancing with pure joy and energy for two hours straight as they requested encore after encore. It was a triumphant moment for Psy and a great moment for Korea, too.
There were many highlights of the concert, but my favorite has to be when Psy declared, "this is for Korea" and chugged an entire bottle of soju, then, removing his shirt, performed Gangnam Style for the second time. Korea, you are a beautiful place, and I thank you for producing such a man.
Though video cannot properly convey how awesome the performance was, it can, perhaps, convey the extreme size of the crowd. Check it out.
I am somewhere in that seething mass of singing people, and I am singing just as loud as anyone else.
Today, I told my students that I went to see Psy last night. They were all incredibly jealous. Only one of my students was able to top my story. Her mom is best friends with the organizer, who managed to get them into the front row. This student got a high-five from Psy. I told her that she better introduce me, or I'm going to fail her. No word yet on whether such threats will yield results.
When my students aren't saying ridiculous things, they're drawing pictures for their class presentations. I encourage them to draw pictures each class, and I tape these to walls. The kids really enjoy it. Those who are nervous about speaking in front of the class can at least put their efforts into a picture. It's a good way to use their imaginations, their classmates like it, the pictures add nice atmosphere to the classroom, and it gives them a feeling of pride to see their artwork on display. That being said, sometimes they draw...interesting things. I present to you...
Things My Students Draw
This tomato man just wanted a job. Instead, he was repeated shot and blown to hell with a giant grenade.
The tomato man is actually my favorite picture. It has nothing to do with anything discussed in class. This student drew it on the back of his vocab test and gave it to me as a present at the end of class. He is incredibly adorable. He comes to class early, just so he can show me Korean webcomics on my Galaxy tab.
The assignment was to invent a disease.
The most important fact about this disease: It goes to your butt.
When you tell a group of boys that they can invent any disease they want, beware. These boys searched for every disgusting word they could find and used them all to describe this disease, which was created by terrorists to kill people in the year 2476. It is spread through smelly farts.
Psy, doing the invisible horse dance.
This assignment was to present on awesome things from Korean culture. This class was particularly fun because most of the students ended up performing their favorite Korean pop songs. It not only amused me and their classmates, but also amused our neighbors because the rousing "Heeeeeeeey, sexy lady" chorus was loud enough to penetrate walls.
Stay tuned for more updates, as I photograph more priceless student works.
While my life in Korea is pretty fabulous, I cannot say it is always so. For example, when my favorite television show takes a turn for the terrible, this upsets me greatly. Warning, this contains spoilers and vast amounts of horrible nerd rage. So you're probably better off skipping it. In fact, I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably because this is the age of the internet and that's how we take out our anger these days.
The writing this season has been pretty terrible, and the writing of the show in general seems to have become incredibly lazy. And they keep getting away with it. I've made a list. I hope you enjoy it. Please excuse me if I start foaming at the mouth or my writing becomes completely incomprehensible.
1. Create rules. Then break them. Then distract the viewers with a love story.
Let's talk about "Angels Take Manhattan". There were many problems with this episode, and the most obvious one involves the use of the angels themselves. The episode in which the angels first appeared, "Blink", still remains one of my favorite episodes. It had all of the elements of a good horror story, combined with good characters, and, most importantly, a set of rules. When you're dealing with science fiction or fantasy, it's essential to create rules that govern your universe and the creatures that populate it. The angels are deadly, but they do have weaknesses. If anything, even another angel, is looking at it, the angel cannot move. Then, because the angels were so cool, Moffat decided to revisit them in the very poor choice that was "The Time of Angels". Maybe Moffat doesn't know this yet, but sometimes when you have something really cool, it's best to use it sparingly. That's why the Daleks do not appear in every episode. I digress. They added more rules to make the angels scarier. Now, even an image of an angel becomes an angel.
So by those rules, let's think about "Angels Take Manhattan". The Statue of Liberty is revealed to be an angel. First of all, I find it very hard to believe that there's ever a time when no one is looking at the Statue. It's lit up at night and it's the most famous landmark of New York City. Second, and, more importantly, if every image of an angel becomes an angel, that means that every picture or miniature of Lady Liberty is also an angel, which means that the entire earth should be one giant time distortion because we're being constantly zapped back in time by our touristy souvenirs. Also, the angels were looking at each other almost continually throughout the episode. By that rule alone, almost none of the action of the story could have happened. But all of this gets ignored by the love story of Amy and Rory and how oh-so-tragic their exit is. Spare me, Moffat. I would have shed a lot more tears if your plot holes weren't the size of Manhattan.
2. Consistency of Character???
Quick! Name one thing the Doctor consistently avoids and has avoided for almost his entire life. Was it murder? Congratulations! You know the character better than Moffat does! While the Doctor has killed his share of evil aliens, it's always after giving them a choice to redeem themselves. He always gives them a choice. Change your ways, leave this planet and these people alone...or else. It's when the evil aliens laugh in his face that the Doctor kicks their asses into the Land of Eternal Suffering. For example, remember what the Doctor did in "The Family of Blood"? The villains wanted to be immortal. So he made them immortal...so they could suffer for their crimes for eternity. That is why the Doctor is awesome. He never loses his temper and kills people, even if they deserve it. And yet, the Matt Smith Doctor, under the direction of some terrible writing has been doing just that. In this season alone, he's done that several times. He outright murdered the smuggler in "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship". In "Asylum of the Daleks", the Doctor let the Daleks commit genocide on their own people AND let a character die because even though she was human on the inside, she was still Dalek on the outside. So basically the Doctor let something die because it looked Dalek. This is quite different, if you recall, from season one's "Dalek", in which the Doctor shows pity for his enemy. Then we get to "A Town Called Mercy" in which the Doctor tries to murder a man. So what happened to the Doctor?
3. Overuse:
Moffat can write things, but only in small quantities. He wrote "Blink", "Silence in the Library", and "The Girl in the Fireplace", all three of which happen to be excellent stand-alone episodes. My conclusion is that Moffat can write good small stories, but when it comes to planning an entire season, he's terrible. Instead of writing new material, he returns to previous ideas and expands on them. River Song was really cool in "Silence in the Library", but the more Moffat used her, the more annoying and confusing she became. Do you remember the episode "Let's Kill Hitler"? I try not to because then I remember that River Song was supposedly Amy's best friend growing up, even though she's never mentioned in a single episode up until that point or after.
4. Setting:
For a SCIENCE FICTION show that has all of time and space as its backdrop, the settings have become incredibly narrow. The benefit of science fiction is that you can create any sort of civilization you want and use that civilization to examine morality, social norms, or just have an awesome adventure. Aliens running amok in London is fun, but any science fiction show can cover that. In fact, that's exactly what Torchwood does. The best episodes of Doctor Who take place on distant planets in distant times with characters who may not even be human. When humans are the stars of each episode, you start to forget how vast and awesome the universe supposedly is. Last season's crown jewel, "The Doctor's Wife" was a masterpiece written by Neil Gaiman and featured long-dead timelords, a sentient planet that eats TARDISes, and prolonged conversation between the Doctor and his TARDIS personified as a woman. (By the way, the romance between the Doctor and his TARDIS is so much more believable than anything with River Song. In fact, River comes off as a desperate attention-whore by comparison.) If you make a show about how awesome and exciting alien life is, which stars an alien who's sole principle and goal in life is to observe and respect all alien life, and then you surround him with human characters all the time and give priority to those human characters, your show becomes decidedly xenophobic.
5. Laziness and Making Sense:
There's only so many times you can rely on the power of love to solve your problems. In classic Doctor Who, "reverse the polarity" used to be their solution to various problems. It was silly, but it worked because SCIENCE. Now it's a wave of the sonic screwdriver 2.0 and the power of love. Stop it, Moffat. You can't pull miracles and solutions to time paradoxes out of your ass. And you can't wave the magic love wand and resurrect the Doctor while simultaneously killing him and marrying him to the psychologically scarred, previously brainwashed by mysterious evil people daughter/childhood best friend of your companions. In the strange universe where Moffat lives, that sentence just made sense.
If you still aren't convinced, look back at previous seasons. Many fans complained that Russell T. Davies had made the Doctor too much of a romantic interest. They were outraged when the Doctor developed feelings for Rose because in the history of the show, the Doctor had been decidedly uninterested in those sorts of things. But even if you disagreed with the decision to let the Doctor fall in love, there was the satisfaction of a coherent storyline. Romance was secondary to a good story. Bad Wolf still blows my mind. And don't even get me started on the glorious majesty of season three and the Saxon vote. The characters had depth and their own personal story arcs, but the show still knew what it was about. It wasn't about melodrama or how much of the universe you can destroy in a single episode. It was about telling a good story in the Doctor Who tradition.
Finally, "The Power of Three" was a terrible episode. You cannot bring people back to life fifteen minutes after they've collapsed from cardiac arrest.
For your patience, here's a music video by the band Muse. It has cyborgs and cowboys and is way better than "A Town Called Mercy". Enjoy. Also, sorry that the still for this video is dirty.
Just a brief update today, in case anyone (probably no one) was wondering if I'd died or disappeared or somehow wandered into North Korea and become personal friend of the Dear Leader or become bored with this and decided to run away to join the circus. None of these potentially terrible things have happened! In fact, I've been super busy. My weekends I still spend doing fun things, though most of those fun things now involve looking at fabulous clothing and wishing my paycheck were coming sooner, and my weekdays are still spent shaping young minds.
Well, sort of shaping young minds. Today, I present to you:
Things My Students Say
When discussing AIDS:
"Teacher...I wish I had AIDS. I really really want AIDS."
This gem came from one of my wise-ass students who sits in the back drinking Sprite, pretending he's a badass. He is not, but he gets an A for effort. He sort of undermines his badass status by getting perfect scores on his quizzes.
When discussing the Harlem Renaissance:
"Teacher, I think you really like black people."
"Well, yes. I like all people."
"Really???"
On the topic of racism:
Me: "...so that is why racism is bad."
Students: "Teacher, I think racism is okay because it is okay to hate the Japanese because they are terrible."
"Yes! We should kill them all!"
"We should bomb them!"
"No, we should NUKE THEM!"
"THE JAPANESE ARE EVIL!!"
Randomly:
Student:"Teacher, are you rich?"
Me: "Ha. No."
"Really?? But you dress so well!"
When discussing disease:
Me: "So, what would you do if you were the leader of a country and the neighboring country had a very serious disease killing its population. How would you protect your country?"
Student: "KILL THE NEIGHBORS!!"
----
That's all I have time to do for now. I will update this again later. I must go teach now!
Well hey there, world! How are you today? Fine? Good! I am too! In fact, I'm going to tell you just how very fine I am.
This past Saturday was pretty great. Sarah and I continued our tradition of exploring Seoul by heading over to Seoul Tower (also known as Namsan Tower), which is on the top of a mountain in the middle of Seoul. It's the highest point in the city, and from its top you can see the entire city. Or rather, you can see a lot of the city until it all fades into the horizon. You don't realize how enormous Seoul is until you're up there and realize that it's all city in every direction as far as you can see.
The Han River cutting right through the city.
Also amazing is the geography of Seoul. The entire city is surrounded by mountains, making it incredibly easy to defend. They even use that to their advantage today, as the presidential residence, The Blue House, is also up against a mountain.
Check out those sweet mountains!
We spent most of our time in the tower admiring the view and trying to see if we could find Gangnam. We could. It was the place with the highest and coolest buildings. I'd like to believe that I have embraced the Gangnam Style. These days I dress quite classy and dance even cheesier. Just ask the poor people who have to watch me dance whenever Gangnam Style plays (which is more often than I'm comfortable admitting).
But I digress. In addition to climbing the tower, we also hung around the mountain to get some culture. There's a belief that if you go to the top of Namsan Mountain with your significant other and attach a lock to something up there, your love with be forever unbroken. And so, there are locks everywhere.
That used to be a fence.
I think it's kind of cheesy, but Koreans seem to love couple-related things. Anniversaries are a huge deal here, and you'll often see couples who go so far as to dress in matching outfits when they go out together. The truly committed couple can purchase matching shirts, shoes, socks, backpacks, and even underwear. And when looking the same as your beloved isn't enough, there's always locking your love into place on top of a mountain.
On the less romantic side, and way more awesome side, we also saw traditional music and weapons demonstrations. The coolest thing about the music was that the performers had ribbons on top of their hats. While playing their instruments, they would dance in such a way that would cause the ribbons to move around in patterns. It was really quite impressive to watch.
Now imagine those ribbons twirling around and around!
After the music, the guys with weapons came out and showed us why Korea is awesome and you should not attack it. On display were a variety of spears, swords, and spears with sword blades. They proceeded to first, chop up pieces of bamboo in rapid succession. Then, when that wasn't enough, they decided to attack each other with sharp weapons and pretend to die. It was both gruesome and beautiful. It was the most patriotic thing I have ever seen.
Behold the glorious dead!
Our day's sightseeing over, we decided to slowly make our way to dinner in Myeongdong via a few coffee shops and a refreshing walk. Seoul life really agrees with the way I operate, as food and coffee seem to be top priorities everywhere.
Phew, time passes quickly when you're running around like a crazy person. Last time we saw our intrepid adventurers, it was the end of a successful Saturday and the dawn of a brand new Sunday. Let's see where they are now!
Sunday was equally as interesting as Saturday, if not more so. My day started off at around 4:30 am, when I awoke in order to watch Notre Dame defeat the Boilermakers. When the game ended at around 8:15, it was time to go to church. As it turns out, there are tons of churches in Seoul. As much as I love the cathedral, it is unfortunately about an hour's train ride away from where I live. Even though the Mass is always worth it, that is quite a commitment, especially at 8 am. So I decided to check out the Catholic church that's less than ten minutes of walking from my apartment. Incidentally, this church was recommended by one of those excellent connections one makes at Notre Dame. A good friend from choir, who also lives in Gangnam, told me about this place. Unfortunately, she had never seen the English Mass offered at this particular church.
The English Mass was, to put it gently (or not), pretty terrible. It was very...California. Don't get me wrong. The people, just like California, were incredibly nice. The moment Mass was over, I was shuttled off to share coffee and pastries with an odd assortment of Koreans (and Californians) who were all incredibly excited to see me there. Next thing I knew, they wanted to go to lunch and talk about life. But, alas, a nice community does not make up for a terrible Mass.
Perhaps I am spoiled by a lifetime of proper liturgical practices. Perhaps I know too much about what Mass is supposed to look like. Perhaps I care too deeply about music. I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't. But when the guitar-keyboard duo started performing some horrible praise-band fluff and when the congregation started reading the gospel together like some horrible iteration of a grade school reading class, I knew that my brief flirtation with anything other than Myeongdong Cathedral was over. I never thought I would find something worse than the Steve Warner "Our Father". I was wrong. So long, Yeoksam parish.
Once I had successfully quenched my rage-flames, I headed off to Heongdae to meet a friend. As the intersecting neighborhood of several universities, Heongdae is the model of what a college downtown should look like. It has everything. Shopping, food, music, cute little craft booths selling things made by poor art majors... There's even some pretty sweet graffiti. Naomi and I started out by wandering around and doing a little shopping, but eventually ended up stalking the members of a grungy metal band because the one guy had a mohawk of epic proportions. This led us to the least likely of places. It led us to a cat cafe. (No, the metal guys did not go to the cat cafe, although that would have been adorable and reminiscent of a certain TV show about a death metal band and a certain member who really likes cats...)
In case you're wondering what a cat cafe is, it's exactly what it sounds like. It is a cafe where you drink coffee and play with cats. Here. I'll show you a picture.
This is the face of true happiness.
THERE IS A CAT INSIDE OF MY PURSE!!!
Can you imagine anything better than this? I cannot. If this does not warm your heart, I kindly request that you go back to whichever circle of hell you escaped from, you creature of Satan.
After several hours of playing with cats, I realized that my allergies were about to punish me, and decided that I must take my leave...until next time. I am definitely going back this weekend. I think that when I return to America, I must make this a reality. What is wrong with America that we do not already have cat cafes? This would be good for everyone! Depressed? Lonely? Wish you could have a pet, but can't due to living arrangements? Go to a cat cafe! What? Cats aren't your thing? Let's have a dog cafe too. And let's not forget that socialization and endless quantities of love would be great for lonely animals too. I...I am getting too excited here. I need to finish this post and calm down.
Anyway, after the cat cafe, we wandered around for a bit until we stumbled upon the strangest sight these eyes have yet seen in Korea. It was some sort of strange art festival...in the middle of the street. I'm sorry. Did I call it art? It was mostly performance art of the crazy Yoko Ono variety. There was a man who made nonsense noises while squirting paint all over a car tire, which he then rubbed all over his body to confused applause. There was also a barefoot, dancing Beethoven look-alike. Then there was a man drawing pictures on the asphalt with olive oil. Considering his art actually looked cool, I'd say he was the only one present who had any talent. When he got tired of drawing, he sat down on the sidewalk and proceeded to smoke while holding a stethoscope up to a hunk of rock.
Is this art? Who knows.
Oh, I forgot to mention the cars. Here is a sample.
Hello again. Tarico here, bringing you the latest from Korea. I've survived my second week of teaching, and already it's feeling pretty good. Of course, just as I'm getting comfortable, the kids have decided that now is the time to get crazy and test my limits. Bring it on, kids. Bring. It. On.
This weekend has been quite an adventure! I'll do my best to tell you about it without making you too jealous.
On Saturday, I heaved myself out of bed and headed off to meet my excellent and wonderful friend Sarah at Gyeongbokgung Palace, which, if the the word palace doesn't clue you in to it, is the former palace of the Korean kings and queens. Unfortunately, due to the Japanese occupation and the chaos following that period, there is no longer any royal family, and a good portion of the palace buildings are reproductions of the originals. But before I get into that, let me tell you about Great King Sejong.
Look at his beneficence!
Great King Sejong was indeed pretty great, and is therefore one of Korea's greatest historical figures. What did he do, you ask? Not that much...except that he invented the Korean alphabet and reigned over Korea in relative peace, despite the best efforts of the Japanese to make him mad. Hangul, the Korean alphabet, in case you were wondering, is one of the simplest, most straightforward alphabets in existence. This is quite achievement, especially when you consider the fact that before hangul, the Koreans were using Chinese characters to write.
Now let me tell you about Admiral Yi Sunshin.
Just try and invade Korea. I dare you.
Yi Sunshin is a national hero of Korea due to his defense of Korea's coast from the Japanese navy. Vastly outnumbered, he outmaneuvered and almost completely destroyed the Japanese navy. In the midst of the last battle of the campaign, Sunshin died of a bullet wound, but not before making sure the battle was a complete victory. In addition to using superior tactics and having a good understanding of the terrain, Sunshin used what are called "turtle boats", boats that basically look like turtles, but can move and fire quickly. To make a very obscure and nerdy reference, he was the Yang Wenli of Korea.
After learning about Korea's national heroes, Sarah and I headed over to the palace. Magnificent. Brilliant. Unfortunately, my camera died quickly after entering, so most of my pictures are on my phone and must therefore wait until a better time to be uploaded. Let me see if I can describe it. Inside of the gates is an enormous courtyard with a stream running through the middle. Once through the courtyard, you reach another building. This magnificent building is the throne room.
The throne room from the side. Note the mountains in the back.
Of course, the throne room isn't the only thing here. If you keep walking through various courtyards, you'll find the party pavilion, a giant structure in the middle of a lake, where the kings used to have parties (duh). One of the coolest aspects of the architecture at the palace, was the heating system. During the summer, the sides of the building can be slid back or even pulled up, so as to allow a breeze. But what about during those super cold Korean winters? Well, did you ever notice how the building are up on blocks above the ground? That isn't just for aesthetics. There are small chambers under the floor, where servants would light fires. The fires would heat the stone floors and keep the rooms warm. Brilliant.
Another cool thing I saw was an island in the middle of a lake with a narrow bridge running between the island and the shore. There was a small structure in the middle of the island, where the kings could go to pray in solitude. Here's a picture I took on my phone and doctored using instagram.
Beautiful, isn't it?
On our way out of the palace, we came across an orchestra that was performing using only traditional Korean instruments. It was...interesting. I think it was beautiful and with a little training I could probably learn to appreciate it. However, to me it sounded very strange. One instrument in particular stood out as sounding exactly how I imagine a Korean bagpipe would sound.
After the orchestra concert was over, we headed over to Hapjeong to meet up with one of Sarah's friends, a really awesome and talented Korean artist who hangs out at a hipster cafe called Flat Bean. This woman speaks perfect Japanese, which is fortunate, since I can finally practice my Japanese. We ended up drinking so truly excellent coffee and then getting invited to play billiards with some of her friends. Let the record show that although I have never played billiards before, I managed to learn it (and proper technique) from a man who speaks no English. Cultural learnings, ftw!
Unfortunately, I have to go to work now, so the rest of my weekend adventures will have to wait for a later date. Until then, ta ta!
Now that the first week of teaching is over (just in time for me to start the next one!), it's time to take a short breather and relax to a nice, refreshing blog post. Since my last communication, I have come up against two very pressing issues. Those problems involve technology and age. Those two problems are not related, by the way.
Korea being the most wired, technology-obsessed country in the world, one would think that Koreans would have learned by the now what constitutes a good program or operating system and what constitutes a terrible crime against humanity. Can you guess where this is going? I didn't think it was possible...but everyone here uses Internet Explorer. Exclusively. Do you use Safari, Firefox, or Chrome? Good luck using your internet for anything other than updating your Facebook status. Do you use Mac? Good luck doing ANYTHING AT ALL. Linux? They will laugh in your face and tell you to go back to the insane asylum you clearly escaped from. (Probably. I don't speak Korean.) Chungdahm is a great place, but their biggest flaw, one that perhaps I will forgive them for only through the grace of God, is that their online system only works on Internet Explorer. Every time I need to sign in, access class materials, or even take attendance, I must first touch Internet Explorer. I feel so dirty.
Well this is awkward.
But there's more than just that. One of the many perks of working at an awesome, well-funded, constantly improving institution of learning is that they're always trying out new ways to educate students. Chungdahm's newest innovation involves tablets. Though we haven't yet started using them in the classroom, my branch decided that the teachers might as well start familiarizing themselves with the technology. And so on Thursday, we received our brand freaking new Samsung Galaxy tablets! Our only order was to have fun. And so we did. I've already started using it during listening classes because it plays audio clips so much better than the PC in my classroom, which has a nasty habit of turning off when I need it most. Perhaps you are wondering what the problem is.
Korea is the land of Samsung. Do you see where this is going? My Mac and my tablet refuse to speak to each other. It's as though the products themselves know their creators' minds. My excitement at having a new personal entertainment system quickly faded into frustration when I realized that neither of my awesome, shiny technological miracles would acknowledge the existence of the other. Is this what it's like to use Linux?
So that's technology. The other problem concerns age. You see, according to Korean measurements of age, I am actually 24. In fact, even though I turned 23 yesterday, I am still 24. But I will be 25 once the new year rolls around. Confused? Yeah, me too. You see, Korean culture is uncomfortable with the idea of someone being less than a year old. So when one is born, one is actually one year old. But it's not just that! You see, age is very important in a Confucian society. And therefore, one's age in relation to others must always be the same. If I were two months younger than another person, it would not be proper for me to level up and be on the same level as that person until they had another birthday. To fix this problem, everyone levels up at the same time. So it doesn't matter when one's birthday is. One will only gain an extra year at the new year. Were you born on December 31st? Congratulations. By day two of your life, you will be two years old. And that is how I became 24 years old.
Here's an obligatory photo of me with the largest pot of bibimbop ever.
First day of classes successfully completed! At first I was
terrified. All I’d heard from other teachers were phrases like, “don’t let the
students eat you alive” or “don’t show fear. They can smell fear and will
destroy you.” And also “fear is the mind-killer.” (actually, I made up that
last one. I don’t think my fellow teachers know about Dune.) But the point is, I woke up in the morning with that
horrible feeling that I was about to fall flat on my face and then be fired
because I sucked so much.
I spent so long prepping in my apartment, that I forgot
about and subsequently missed the staff meeting at the office. I rolled in long
after it was over, and the first thing that happened involved several staff
members mobbing me to make sure I was okay. Fortunately, I didn’t miss much.
Except free Krispy Kreme donuts. So, actually, that means I missed a lot.
After finding my classroom, I proceeded to nervously set up.
And then, after yet another peer popped in to tell me it was going to be okay
and after my boss popped in to give me chocolate (I love my job!), I put on my
confidence shoes. Perhaps you think this is a clumsy metaphor. No. I have
confidence shoes. Black high heels that click in an intimidating manner as I
pace around the room. Suddenly, I am tall, glamorous, and completely in charge
of the room. No, students, I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I
will turn the inner eye to see its path.Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune quote again, in case you didn’t
know.)
Anyway, once the students showed up, my confidence shoes
took over and I think it’s safe to say that I was a pretty effective new
teacher. I teach entirely elementary students, which I’m pretty excited about.
Middle schoolers are awkward because they’re going through…well…middle school.
And as we all know, middle school is pretty much the worst thing ever. A lot of
my fellow teachers have elementary students at 4:00 and then middle schoolers
at 7:00. I get all elementary all the time! That, of course, also means that I
have to be incredibly energetic for six hours straight, all while walking
around in my confidence shoes. By the end of the day, I was pretty exhausted.
My first class is sixteen students, which you’d think would
be the harder class to manage, but you would be wrong. I have four boys and
twelve girls, all of whom are at that age where the opposite sex is a
disgusting thing that should be kept as far away from one’s person as possible.
The four boys keep to themselves, but are constantly squirming and poking each
other. At this point, though, the cold, dead stare is enough to quiet them. And
if not that, there’s always the threat of being seated next to the meek and
mild-mannered girls. At the beginning of class, we played two truths and a lie
to get to know each other, and by the end of that activity, I had most of the
students pretty loosened up and excited to be there. Since they didn’t know me,
they were nervous to answer questions.
I’ve already picked out the shy students, the super smart
students, the middle-students, and the potential trouble-makers (hint: they’re
also the smart students.) Probably my favorite part of the class is the
Critical Thinking Project at the end. You really get to see the creativity of
the students come out. They have to divide into groups and discuss a problem
and how to fix it.The boys did a skit
about stress that involved a bully, a nagging mother, and a scary teacher
demanding they do more homework. Some of the girls did a presentation about the
importance of exercise, for which they drew some really adorable pictures of
sad, overweight people who became happier by doing a daily regimen of squats
and jogging. At the end of class, they all thanked me, and said they couldn’t
wait to see me on Friday for our next class.
My second class has only five students, and yet they put the
two biggest troublemakers in the school together in that very class. These two
boys are virtually inseparable, and also incredibly smart. Fortunately, their
budding bromance is also their weakness. All I have to do to shut them up is
threaten to separate them. The one plus of having them together, though, is
that they compete for right answers. But that’s also a downside because if I
call on the one boy, the other gets pouty because he wasn’t called on. I love
that they know the answers, though! In fact, all of the students in my second
class are really smart. One boy even got a perfect score on his in-class quiz,
a fact which made all of the other students envious and also made me quite
proud.
Of course, Korean students are incredibly curious. So as soon
as they had the chance, they wanted to know all about me. Teacher, how old are
you? Teacher, where are you from? Teacher, do you have a boyfriend? Is he
Korean? He isn’t? Why don’t you like Koreans, teacher? Is that ring you’re
wearing an engagement ring? Why aren’t you engaged? Etc. I don’t mind answering
questions. I managed to make them understand that questions are fine…as long as
they aren’t in the middle of class. Even when my students misbehave, I don’t
think it’s on purpose. I think they’re just full of energy and curiosity, and I
really want to encourage that feeling! Learning should be fun! I do my best to
maintain a comedy routine throughout class.
At the end of work, all of the teachers went out to eat and
then headed to the branch’s favorite bar. We’re right by Gangnam, so the
nightlife is really lively. We also found out that classes are cancelled today,
due to the enormous typhoon headed straight for Seoul. So far, it’s just really
windy today. I’m secluded in a coffee shop for the purpose of internet, but
then I plan to hide and ride out the storm.
Man, this lack of internet in my apartment is really cutting
into my ability to pursue this blog undertaking. I, unfortunately, have to wait
until my Alien Registration Card comes before I can set up cable and internet
in my apartment. Korea’s bureaucracy, unfortunately, seems to operate along the
same timeline as the DMV, so I have about a month before that magical card
comes. In the mean time, I’ll be taking full advantage of my shiny new Korean
smartphone.
As I sit here in reflection sipping my fermented rice
beverage, I realize that today was a day of culinary exploration.
At about noon, I met a friend at Kwangjang Market, one of
Korea’s many open-air markets. We had heard tell of a special culinary event
for foreigners, and, being both hungry and foreign, decided to check it out.
After being photographed performing and saying a series of very silly things
that will no doubt end up on TV for the whole of Asia to laugh at us, we were
handed 5,000 won and a stamp book with the charge to eat as much food from the
vendors as possible. And so we did. Fried potato pancakes, sushi rolls, tofu and
kimchi dumplings, rice cakes cooked in hot sauce, and something else that I
think was pig liver. It seemed that all the normal parts of the pigs had been
used for something else, so the vendors were serving up pig tongue, pig foot,
pig intestine, and pig blood sausage. Thus, I assume that when the nice lady
handed me a slab of meat that tasted like liver, it was in fact pig liver. Also
on display at the market, were fresh fish, dried fish, enormous tubs of chili
powder and hot peppers, and…fabric. Apparently, Kwangjang is famous for its
fabrics, especially its silks.
Rice cakes in hot sauce, blood sausage, kimbop, and pig head and feet. Delicious!
Enough spice to set a person on fire.
Having collected our stamps and prizes, we wandered out of
Kwangjang and into a large park inhabited entirely by old men. Perhaps you
think I am exaggerating. I am not. These old men weren’t even doing much. They
were mostly just sitting around, talking, smoking, and playing the odd game of
shogi. And, no, these guys weren’t homeless. A good number of them were dressed
in some pretty swanky suits. In fact, upon closer inspection, I realized that
even the nearby subway station, Jongno, was overrun with old men. Just.
Sitting. I guess this is what they do with their free time. In retrospect, it
was pretty cool. I hope that when I’m their age, I can chill out in a park with
all of my buddies, smoking cigarettes and laughing at the rest of the world.
In the middle of the park, we found Jungmyo Shrine, a state
shrine established in 1395 to house the spirits of deceased kings and queens.
The architecture was actually pretty simple, but there was a path leading
throughout the shrine that visitors were not supposed to walk on. According to
signs posted in Korean, Japanese, and English, the pathway was reserved for the
spirits. Unlike any of the other Confucian states in Asia, Korea still
maintains its royal shrine and each year they have two very elaborate rituals
wherein they offer sacrifices to the deceased royalty. There’s also a nearby
shrine to the spirits of nature (I think???), which used to be connected to
this shrine until the Japanese built a road in between them during the
occupation. I have a really awesome booklet full of information about Jongmyo
Shrine, but out of fear of boring my audience, I shall refrain from disclosing
it until a later date.
Jongmyo Shrine. Behind those doors are the ancestral tablets of the deceased kings and queens of Korea.
You thought I was kidding. No. That path is for the spirit.
At the conclusion of our adventure, I went home and decided
that I’d give Korean pizza a try. I decided that, of all pizzas, cheese pizza
was probably the safest. Not so. Apparently, when you say “cheese pizza”, you
really mean “cheese and corn pizza”. It was pretty gross, but once the
abominable corn was removed the pizza was pretty good.
And so here I sit, still sipping my fermented rice beverage,
thinking about how awesome Korea is.
